Not So Open Mic...NOT FAIR!

Gotta be cruel to be kind...

We knew it was bound to happen. We got our first “but the Not So Open Mic isn’t FAIR!” email. It feels like a right of passage, and maybe we’re better for it, but there is no doubt that we are absolutely more irritated. And who knew that was even possible?? 

When Karen came up with the name, Not So Open Mic for Women and Femmes, I remember feeling kind of queasy. Like, the I’m-going-to-get-in-trouble kind, and more specifically, and disturbingly, it was the discomfort of imagining offending men. 

I really had to stop and feel that feeling all the fuck the way down to the unholy trinity of white supremacy, misogyny, and capitalism that runs deep through the blood of every cis white woman in America (yes, even you). I was feeling the discomfort of losing my proximity to the privileges that white men have allotted me, and that I have been complicit in, unknowingly and knowingly. 

So, with all that in mind, I knew we couldn’t call the Not So Open Mic anything but that. We have also made a point to be explicitly trans inclusive, a choice that often inspires neutrality and is marked by nuanced understanding across the political landscapes. JK. 

Have we had a few inquiries from participants about whether men, usually their partners, can accompany them? Sure. And we let them know that, no, they can’t, but that Karen and I are more than happy to accompany anyone to the best of our abilities. We’ve done it several times over the past 8 months and it’s been a delight. 

To be very clear, men have always been welcome to participate as audience members. In fact, many men do participate as audience members, and not once has a man ever tried to pick up a guitar or told us to balance the mids on the PA. Up until Sunday, we had only gotten positive feedback from audience members and participants alike, with folks often sincerely sharing that this open mic is unlike any they have ever attended. 

Maybe it’s because our format asks everyone to leave judgement at the door, (especially self-judgement), or maybe it’s the strengths-based, craft-focused “Love Notes” we give each performer after they share their songs; originals and covers alike. Or maybe it’s that Karen and I both swear like sailors, cackle like witches, and do not give a flying fuck if men’s feelings are hurt by not being able to perform at our event. The world may never know. 

Whatever it is, there is an undeniable and profound kind of magic at these events that we feel each and every time. 

So, back to this stupid fucking message I received a few hours before hosting our event. 

The opening line read, “Katie, I need to let you know…” I chuckled to myself and promptly ignored it, and had almost forgotten about it until afterwards when Karen and I were chatting over coffee. 

“Oh yeah! _____ messaged me before the show,” I said opening my phone. 

Here’s what it said (edited heavily for anonymity, clarity, and time): 

“Katie, I need to let you know that I am one of the good ones! Women have it real hard in the music industry (and in the whole world!), and I toooooootally get why you need a space for ‘females’ to perform. BUT MY FEELINGS ARE HURT!!!  I book women! I help women! And you gals are making it hard for me and all the other very good boys to support you (support that is contingent, of course, on our participation and your utmost consideration of our FEELINGS!!!!).  Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, waaaaahhhhhh!”

Or something like that. 

After drafting roughly five appropriately scathing responses, my best friend Crystal said, “He wants a fight, don’t waste any energy.” So I gutted my eviscerating masterpieces and kept it short. 

“There must be a misunderstanding. Men have always been welcome to participate as audience members at our events, and they do.” 

For almost a day there was not a word. But then, you guessed it, there was. 

With no acknowledgement of his mistake or of wasting my precious fucking time with his bullshit, he sent a very casual response that was essentially just a request for me to come perform at his open mic and, while I’m at it, bring more women! Because for some reason there just aren’t a lot of ladies showing up to this guy’s open mic. Mysteries continue to abound.  

I didn’t think twice about leaving him on read, but I’m clumsy and accidentally sent a little blue thumbs up instead, which I actually found a tiny bit funnier. And for that, I’m truly grateful. #blessed 

For any fellas who’ve made it this far, can you please, do us and yourselves a favor and talk to each other? Get some wings, a few pizzas and have a chat. Here’s a simple script to follow if you’re feeling stuck: 

“Hey, Brian?” 

“Yeah, Brian?” 

(Statistically both of their names will be Brian. What? I’m a woman who understands math. Get over it.)

“Brian, do you think I should send Ella a message telling her my opinion on her lived experience and also whine about how it’s not fair that everything isn’t for me?” 

“Nah, brah.” 

“Thanks, brah.” 

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too” 

And, scene. 

If you feel the rational response to pay me for this emotional and mental labor, please make your generous donations to https://www.nationalbailout.org/.